Maudlin but right on time..

OK, so my annual SAD is hitting again (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) and I've been feeling very introspective recently.

I very much admire people that have a passion, for anything. I admire people that decide they're going to be a gardener or an F1 driver or a glass blower or a journalist and then go ahead and do it. OK, the analogy probably works better for an artist than an accountant, but you get the idea.

I admire that ability to focus on one thing, to specialise and to work at it and practice and get better and not deviate from their passion. I am the opposite really - I want to learn everything, know everything and do everything. Some stuff I'm good at already, other stuff, not so much. But I never feel like I have a passion for something in that way - in some respect that level of focus scares me, especially the thought of that singular focus applied to me. I think it would make for an unhappy ismarah, but at the same time I speculate and fantasise about what I could do, how would it go if all my time, effort and energy was spent on something like that, a specific field of interest.

But inherent in that thought is that somehow that way of being is 'better' than the way that I am, that I am in fact a dilettante, dabbling in the things I dabble in, rather than a serious player in a chosen field. It also suggests that I could be better/faster/cleverer (oh, the arrogance!) if I only I specialised...

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The other thought in my head today is the slow realisation that the vague idea / fantasy that maybe at some point in the future I / we will live in the mother country, maybe raise the kids there or retire or something similar. But every time I break it down into logic rather than a knee-jerk reaction, I realise that I don't want to move there, I don't want to live there and I'm not willing to compromise that for the sake of hypothetical kids.

So, in the most maudlin way possible, I will never move home again.

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I am now of course, approaching the level of maudlin where I feel the need to kick my own arse into shape and snap out of it.

But I also need to remember to stick to plan A and not start merging in aspects of plan B. Plans are good, they're made for a reason and just because time is passing too slowly for my liking doesn't mean plan A can be jettisoned in whole or in part.

Now pass the chocolate.