Some activity

Well. We went to London and saw Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, which was good. We've seen them before though, and I certainly preferred that set list to this one. But they were suitably loud and noisy and it was a night out and it was great.

I went for a meal out in Windsor, which appears to be a lovely town, pity about the company I kept that night. Meal was good though.

We went to an open night in my new school to be, which was excellent. Some really fantastic pieces and great thought put into the works and their presentation.

We got ambushed at the door by one of the tutors who sussed immediately that I'd signed up. They were all really nice and so enthusiastic - it gave me lots of energy and positivity and reduced some of my fears.

We've done loads of gardening and you can just about see the shape of how it will look. It's not done yet, but I'll get there, maybe even this week, if the weather is good.

And then I'm going to paint the house on the outside. Unemployment, temporary as it may be, may have its uses.

Circles of Isolation

Life can be very odd sometimes.

As an expat, I need to try extra hard to keep in touch with family and friends left behind in the mother country.
My attempts at this have been to call people regularly, maintaining a lame blog, going over there 2-3 times a year, and inviting everyone and their brother to come visit. I try to remember birthdays and special occasions and I send cards and sometimes gifts, call people 'extra' or send them flowers.

On this side of the pond, I have tried to make friends and keep friends as hard as I can. Other half's friends have been co-opted and are now shared as 'our' friends, willy-nilly, no questions asked, no opt in/ out possible. They're stuck with me.

And yet somehow, the people I talk to the most and the people that show the most interest in my life, are my internet friends, people I have never met in the flesh.

Now I have a sneaking suspicion that I am somewhat damaged from my decade long run-in with various bullies, most of which I was aware of and have worked hard to overcome. But now I kind of feel like I can add a new symptom - anti socialness.

On a bad day, I don't like people. I am negative. I have no patience for stupidity. I easily cut people off from me. I have very high standards for people I will tolerate around me.

On a good day, I am charming. I am witty. I am fun. I have energy in public. I am the life and soul of the gathering. I am understanding and a good listener.

So slowly but surely, I am losing people. They don't write, they don't call, they don't visit. They spend 5 minutes on the phone with me, one eye and one ear glued to the TV. They were just about to pop out exactly when I called. And I don't know whether it's me or if it's them.

I feel like I'm bumping into the edge of my existence constantly - it has grown so small as to barely have room for me, let alone anyone else. And I don't really know how to change it.