Circles of Isolation

Life can be very odd sometimes.

As an expat, I need to try extra hard to keep in touch with family and friends left behind in the mother country.
My attempts at this have been to call people regularly, maintaining a lame blog, going over there 2-3 times a year, and inviting everyone and their brother to come visit. I try to remember birthdays and special occasions and I send cards and sometimes gifts, call people 'extra' or send them flowers.

On this side of the pond, I have tried to make friends and keep friends as hard as I can. Other half's friends have been co-opted and are now shared as 'our' friends, willy-nilly, no questions asked, no opt in/ out possible. They're stuck with me.

And yet somehow, the people I talk to the most and the people that show the most interest in my life, are my internet friends, people I have never met in the flesh.

Now I have a sneaking suspicion that I am somewhat damaged from my decade long run-in with various bullies, most of which I was aware of and have worked hard to overcome. But now I kind of feel like I can add a new symptom - anti socialness.

On a bad day, I don't like people. I am negative. I have no patience for stupidity. I easily cut people off from me. I have very high standards for people I will tolerate around me.

On a good day, I am charming. I am witty. I am fun. I have energy in public. I am the life and soul of the gathering. I am understanding and a good listener.

So slowly but surely, I am losing people. They don't write, they don't call, they don't visit. They spend 5 minutes on the phone with me, one eye and one ear glued to the TV. They were just about to pop out exactly when I called. And I don't know whether it's me or if it's them.

I feel like I'm bumping into the edge of my existence constantly - it has grown so small as to barely have room for me, let alone anyone else. And I don't really know how to change it.