Maudlin but right on time..

OK, so my annual SAD is hitting again (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) and I've been feeling very introspective recently.

I very much admire people that have a passion, for anything. I admire people that decide they're going to be a gardener or an F1 driver or a glass blower or a journalist and then go ahead and do it. OK, the analogy probably works better for an artist than an accountant, but you get the idea.

I admire that ability to focus on one thing, to specialise and to work at it and practice and get better and not deviate from their passion. I am the opposite really - I want to learn everything, know everything and do everything. Some stuff I'm good at already, other stuff, not so much. But I never feel like I have a passion for something in that way - in some respect that level of focus scares me, especially the thought of that singular focus applied to me. I think it would make for an unhappy ismarah, but at the same time I speculate and fantasise about what I could do, how would it go if all my time, effort and energy was spent on something like that, a specific field of interest.

But inherent in that thought is that somehow that way of being is 'better' than the way that I am, that I am in fact a dilettante, dabbling in the things I dabble in, rather than a serious player in a chosen field. It also suggests that I could be better/faster/cleverer (oh, the arrogance!) if I only I specialised...

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The other thought in my head today is the slow realisation that the vague idea / fantasy that maybe at some point in the future I / we will live in the mother country, maybe raise the kids there or retire or something similar. But every time I break it down into logic rather than a knee-jerk reaction, I realise that I don't want to move there, I don't want to live there and I'm not willing to compromise that for the sake of hypothetical kids.

So, in the most maudlin way possible, I will never move home again.

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I am now of course, approaching the level of maudlin where I feel the need to kick my own arse into shape and snap out of it.

But I also need to remember to stick to plan A and not start merging in aspects of plan B. Plans are good, they're made for a reason and just because time is passing too slowly for my liking doesn't mean plan A can be jettisoned in whole or in part.

Now pass the chocolate.

Halfway through

So. Having completed the diploma (I even got a certificate) and the first year of the BA, I am now just over halfway through with my degree, which feels very very strange. I'd got so used to thinking of myself as this non-finisher dilettante that it's been quite a surprise how well I've taken to my chosen field.

I'm not top of the class but I've improved my own grades from project to project. That's been a bit of an adjustment actually, the grey, subjective area of grading in arts / design. Heretofore I've always done straight academia, where the answer is either right or wrong, black or white - and therefore easily quantifiable and comparable. But with this, knowing why someone has done better or worse than you is irrelevant. All you can do is compete with yourself.

This is something that I've also been doing since blobectomy. I've been gymming it and dieting and generally just trying to get healthy, with some success. This has also introduced me to the concept of Personal Bests and that's very much where my head is at with regards to both the gym and school.

It's very gratifying when people notice my improved fitness / leanness and it makes me really happy when people say something. You'd think that 19.5kgs gone would be bloody obvious, wouldn't you, but not everyone agrees. In any case, I'm more than halfway through with diet too, hence this post. Halfway done with lots of stuff.

This post brought to you by RunKeeper and ShapeUp Club - the two apps I use the most for diet things..