ismarah

Maudlin but right on time..

2010-10-27T13:05:00.003Z

OK, so my annual SAD is hitting again (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) and I've been feeling very introspective recently.

I very much admire people that have a passion, for anything. I admire people that decide they're going to be a gardener or an F1 driver or a glass blower or a journalist and then go ahead and do it. OK, the analogy probably works better for an artist than an accountant, but you get the idea.

I admire that ability to focus on one thing, to specialise and to work at it and practice and get better and not deviate from their passion. I am the opposite really - I want to learn everything, know everything and do everything. Some stuff I'm good at already, other stuff, not so much. But I never feel like I have a passion for something in that way - in some respect that level of focus scares me, especially the thought of that singular focus applied to me. I think it would make for an unhappy ismarah, but at the same time I speculate and fantasise about what I could do, how would it go if all my time, effort and energy was spent on something like that, a specific field of interest.

But inherent in that thought is that somehow that way of being is 'better' than the way that I am, that I am in fact a dilettante, dabbling in the things I dabble in, rather than a serious player in a chosen field. It also suggests that I could be better/faster/cleverer (oh, the arrogance!) if I only I specialised...

___

The other thought in my head today is the slow realisation that the vague idea / fantasy that maybe at some point in the future I / we will live in the mother country, maybe raise the kids there or retire or something similar. But every time I break it down into logic rather than a knee-jerk reaction, I realise that I don't want to move there, I don't want to live there and I'm not willing to compromise that for the sake of hypothetical kids.

So, in the most maudlin way possible, I will never move home again.

___

I am now of course, approaching the level of maudlin where I feel the need to kick my own arse into shape and snap out of it.

But I also need to remember to stick to plan A and not start merging in aspects of plan B. Plans are good, they're made for a reason and just because time is passing too slowly for my liking doesn't mean plan A can be jettisoned in whole or in part.

Now pass the chocolate.

Halfway through

2010-10-06T10:36:00.002Z

So. Having completed the diploma (I even got a certificate) and the first year of the BA, I am now just over halfway through with my degree, which feels very very strange. I'd got so used to thinking of myself as this non-finisher dilettante that it's been quite a surprise how well I've taken to my chosen field.

I'm not top of the class but I've improved my own grades from project to project. That's been a bit of an adjustment actually, the grey, subjective area of grading in arts / design. Heretofore I've always done straight academia, where the answer is either right or wrong, black or white - and therefore easily quantifiable and comparable. But with this, knowing why someone has done better or worse than you is irrelevant. All you can do is compete with yourself.

This is something that I've also been doing since blobectomy. I've been gymming it and dieting and generally just trying to get healthy, with some success. This has also introduced me to the concept of Personal Bests and that's very much where my head is at with regards to both the gym and school.

It's very gratifying when people notice my improved fitness / leanness and it makes me really happy when people say something. You'd think that 19.5kgs gone would be bloody obvious, wouldn't you, but not everyone agrees. In any case, I'm more than halfway through with diet too, hence this post. Halfway done with lots of stuff.

This post brought to you by RunKeeper and ShapeUp Club - the two apps I use the most for diet things..

What Color House Should You Live In?

2010-05-04T19:49:00.003Z

You Should Live in a Green House

You are a peaceful person who always seeks out quiet and solitude.

You love nothing better than a long walk, and you probably prefer to live near nature.

You are a good listener, but you always need down time to recharge after being around others.

You usually fit in anywhere. You blend well, and you're happy to sit back and observe.

What Color House Should You Live In?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

Seeing with a foreign eye

2010-01-06T15:36:00.003Z

It's a very peculiar thing, to be a foreigner living somewhere. You obtain a different perspective on your native land, but also you bring with you a different perspective on the adopted one.

For instance:

It's now been snowing non-stop for close to 24hrs here in the UK. Yet Brits always seem just as shocked and ill-prepared for it when it happens, EVERY YEAR. I'm not suggesting that Brits should all have studded tyres and chains at the ready, but possibly another set of coarser tyres would be helpful, nay, obvious?

Why not consult with your neighbours in Europe that run train systems yet experience annual heavy snow-fall and seem to manage OK? Ask them what they do and then put plans into place to COPE with the white stuff?

Instead, there's a lot of wringing of hands and shrugging of shoulders, and very little action. The whole country comes to a standstill because there's snow. This may work if it's one day, every 5-10 years or so. Like I imagine Greece has (my apologies, my Greek correspondent is in fact, in Greece and unavailable for comment or verification) - not the UK.

I think at some point the UK is going to face the facts. It is a fairly northern island, in the Atlantic, whose only meteorological saving grace is the Gulf Stream. It is not the Med. Snow is an annual, regular thing, lasting for weeks. Maybe more weeks.

And controversial or not, the Global Warming thing is kind of already happening. It's not just a theory of what might happen in the future - it's happening NOW. Look outside.

I know it seems counterintuitive that lots of snow = global warming, but this is in fact the case. Global warming = messing up of weather systems and patterns, which is why Newfoundland is balmy for this time of year and the UK is an igloo.

Item two

Two party politics, first past the post. Yeah. This may have worked in Victorian times where the electorate was limited to white adult males, which then split into two, rich and poor, but it doesn't work in a multicultural society. Yet mention proportional representation or dog forbid, a coalition government and all of a sudden people start sounding like Victorian stereotypes, spouting 'it's just not British' or some such sentiment.

The current Labour government seems to believe it may actually win the next election. The Tory opposition seems to think they might have a clean majority. Other parties are seen as irrelevant. I think they might all be in for a surprise by June at the latest.

Learn to play nicely with other parties and you just might find yourself in government. And the population needs to realise that a coalition government does not mean the government is weak, or that the country is weak. Again, look at your neighbours in Europe and ask them how they manage.

Coming out of the closet, sort of

2009-12-20T18:53:00.002Z

I spent my childhood being fairly accomplished academically. Top of the class in most things, but not all. I got tired of school and tests and pressure, and for all elective classes, picked things like art and sports - where there was no homework and no tests. I was average in both of those and content with that.
I'd always dreamt of joining the photography club, but never had the nerve to do it for several reasons. One, I didn't want to do more things associated with school and the other kids there that bullied me almost to death, and two, I felt hampered by the academic side of things. I was never going to be 'the best' at art or sports and also people seemed to bully me further when I stepped out of my proscribed area of academics. When a girl I was mostly friendly with that had been in a choir with me in a different school and I started singing / humming together after class one day, we got signed up to the talent competition we had no interest in joining. We weren't allowed to remove our names and were told to prepare an act and show up. I don't know why, but we did, and sang. It wasn't bad, we didn't win but we also didn't get jeered off stage. But people seemed angry with me, like I wasn't meeting their expectations (these being the people that didn't know me because they were busy bullying me) by doing something 'creative'.
My family has also been odd about this sort of thing - my mum famously said when I'd passed the audition to move from the 'anybody can join' little kiddie choir to the more grown up performing choir when I was 10 'really?! YOU made it??!' (tone of voice was somewhat unbelieving), punctuated with a laugh / snigger.

And yet, here I am. I'm married to a creative person, I'm studying design at an Arts university and feel more at home there than I ever did anywhere else. I take photographs. I make jewellery. I make my own models for school. I make clothes. I do all sorts of creative housey things, like baking, cooking, gardening and DIY, from making beds to painting ceilings. By most people's reckoning that would also make me creative.

And it feels a little odd, hard even, to say to people, 'I am interested in art. I am interested in design. I like to make things'. It feels like a dirty little secret, like I'm coming out of the closet as something other than what people think I am. So with apologies to my gay and lesbian friends, I'm coming out. I am creative.

But I hardly ever sing anymore.

Oh! My! How Ironic!

2009-11-08T10:14:00.000Z

You Are Apples

You have simple tastes in food, and you appreciate a basic, clean flavor. You don't think eating or cooking should be complicated.

In fact, you're really not one for cooking much at all. Your best meals come together quickly and don't require many ingredients.

If anything, you're the type of person who's more likely to pull out the oven mitts and bake every so often.

Chocolate chip cookies are one of your favorite things to smell baking, and it goes without saying that you love apple pie.

What Fall Fruit or Vegetable Are You Most Like?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

End of a line (sort of)

2009-05-26T00:34:00.007Z

Right. Where to start? Chronologically?

January
Went to doctor and he changed meds again, which led me to believe I'd be safe going for a run or two, in order to try and shift the weight that he claimed was to blame for my high blood pressure. That turned out to be a huge mistake or a massive blessing* in disguise as the changed meds made me really really really ill, when combined with running a mile a day.

There's a service in the UK called NHS Direct which allows UK residents to phone an out of hours medical service without having to phone emergency services for advice. After feeling odd and out of sorts all day, I went to bed early and immediately felt worse. So bad in fact that I called the hotline. They went through my symptoms and insisted on putting me through to an out of hours doctor at my local clinic as they felt I needed to be seen immediately. Out of hours person at the clinic said there wasn't much they could do for me in terms of running diagnostic tests and that I should go to the nearest hospital. After verifying that I knew which hospital to go to and was capable of getting there myself (as otherwise they would send an ambulance for me) they told me the hospital would be advised I was coming in, wished me well and hung up.

It was at this point that OH realised he'd had a beer with dinner and wasn't entirely fit to drive. So I drove myself. We were seen almost immediately and filtered off to the 'Major Incidents' side of things which was interesting. I managed to have a funny episode in front of the doctor, passing out while she calmly measured my blood pressure, which 'helped'.

As soon as they started running blood tests and getting those results back they were pretty sure that I didn't have what they thought I had, but they would still treat me as such, just in case. So I got lots of shots and pills and tests and monitors in case I really was having a heart attack. Heparin really really hurts when administered subcutaneously into the abdomen.

The more blood tests came back the more they were sure I wasn't having a heart attack, so they also said that I'd in all likelihood be staying in the hospital for a bit, until A) I was stabilised and B) hopefully diagnosed.

So I was in hospital for about 5 days. Local hospital was actually pretty good, and OH was able to come and visit once or twice a day, which was good. Food was OK, place was clean enough, pity about the lack of communication.

February
Back to school, tottering around feeling really bleurgh and sorry for myself. Missed loads of classes. Didn't go on the school trip to Berlin and nothing much was done for those of us that didn't go. Managed to alienate more teachers (what? like it's hard?) and was explicitly told not to sit with a certain other student. Bearing in mind I'm 30something and he's 40something, being told we were disruptive influences was highly amusing and we really didn't take that seriously at all. Although we did dial it down a little.

February was also assessment month. I was offered a 3 week extension to hand everything in due to my health but I chose to try and get everything done (except for one paper) on time as otherwise I was worried things would just snowball and I'd be working on Stage 2 stuff in the middle of Stage 3 and then I'd really be screwed.

So most of February was spent working and catching up and going back to the hospital every now and then for more tests.

March
Come March I was feeling better physically. I'd caught up with everything and was ready to crack on with an ambitious project for the final stage and had sort of decided where to go next. I started seeing a counsellor at school to help me try and deal with my all to easy loathing of teachers in general and my current one in particular and just generally to be more respectful. She turned out to be Norwegian and really understood me and we got on like a house on fire.

Then Friday 13th, several friends celebrated their birthday, I was due to hand all my extra credit stuff in and had a tutorial to get cracking on Stage 3. That day bombed, to say the least. I didn't know whether to bother quitting school or whether I could just stay in bed and the whole thing would sort itself out.

Then Saturday the 14th. I called my gran, at her new care home. She was poorly and tired and I didn't want to keep her away from her nap for too long so I talked to her for a few minutes and then told her to go take her nap and said my goodbyes. And then she died a few hours later.

The following week was surreal. I had an MRI on the Monday and some dear friends came to stay that afternoon. Thanks to them we kept busy and although I wasn't jumping for joy, we muddled through. The services for my gran had been planned pretty quickly and we were to fly to Iceland on the Wednesday night.

Thursday she was laid to rest and the casket was closed.

Friday I and 7 of my cousins carried the casket out of the church and said our goodbyes. The hardest thing I've ever done.

April
I was again offered an extension on work as I'd missed more school - but again I chose not to accept it. I muddled through, coming up with something for the final show that had dramatically changed in terms of the approach. Easter came and went and all of a sudden school was finished. I had an interview for the degree program I wanted to get into which went really well and I was offered an unconditional place on it in the interview itself. Of course when the letter arrived my university had downgraded that to a conditional offer, dependent on my completion of the diploma, due to some stupid bureaucracy.
With my new-found Zen ways, I didn't kick up a fuss, just put it behind me and carried on working.

May
We had our show. Nobody came that I had invited, many good excuses.

*I got my confirmed diagnosis and went to see a specialist in London. This is why the prescribed meds in January were a blessing as otherwise it might have been years before I was actually diagnosed.

It finally dawned on me that I would get an actual diploma for this year and would thus finally have progressed beyond the Studentsprof, like I'd always wanted.

I accepted my conditional place at university for next year. I will be studying Product Design at the University for the Creative Arts, Farnham Campus, for the next 3 years. At least.

Friday this week I should get my results, ending one of the hardest school years of my life, which if you know me, is actually saying something. Quite a lot in fact.

Future
Well. This summer I will be having a holiday. Having my parents visit. Having surgery. Arranged in order of most to least projected quantity of fun.

The now traditional January post

2009-01-18T16:18:00.007Z

Hmm.

I didn't realise I hadn't blogged since November. This isn't good as I'm supposed to be some sort of IT / Web wunderkind, if you listen to my fellow students. (I was going to say peers, but then wasn't sure. Surely I am peerless?)

Since November I have had my assessment - passed with flying colours, more flying than I ever thought. Which obviously made me very happy. However, since then I've really rather stuttered in terms of knowing what I'm doing and all that jazz.

We had a very nice Christmas, for the first time in our own house where I made magic turkey and all the trimmings required in two countries, coming up with a meal that served 4 for 3 days. It was a lot of food: I made turkey, gravy, bread sauce, cream of mushroom sauce, roast potatoes, glazed potatoes, proper stuffing (i.e. not OXO) roast parsnips, boiled carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, two different kinds of ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. Nobody got sick and nobody threw up from over-indulging either. So this may well turn into a tradition.

Then for NYE we went to the motherland, where the mother was suitably frustrating to deal with.

However, I also spent several hours with my gran, which was a hugely unexpected blessing as I had said my final goodbyes (I thought) in October.

NYE itself was fabulous, as usual. Although there was lots of food I couldn't eat much of it due to apples being omnipresent, but I did try some BBQ'd / grilled turkey, which was very very nice. Then I did the usual and stayed sober and drove people home, which has turned into something of a tradition.

I took lots of pictures on the night, but the light didn't lend itself to photography for the rest of it. We did go to two museums and saw this one really cool piece in Grofarhus, although the paintings as usual don't really speak to me unless as abstract as hell. Abstract expressionism and me - what a pair.

School is ON

2008-11-09T01:00:00.003Z

Right. So school started in September and since then I've been kind of busy.
Assessments are coming up and I've decided to not worry about the perennial diet until afterwards - otherwise the whole thing is just too much pressure all in one.

It's good fun though and I've met some very nice people and made a great friend. I've done open day tours, discovered UCAS and generally faffed about with regards to what to do next. I think it might be quite nice though to have a nice, proper University diploma, with lots of fancy words and the abbreviation BA on there somewhere.

We now have a new fence, very nice; new driveway, very nice; and an electrically safe kitchen, even nicer.

We have not had a holiday this year which is a bit of a bummer considering the weather, but continue to make grandiose plans for next year to make up for this.

We are planning on hosting christmas dinners at our house, for the first time. Maybe not such a good idea to be practicing on the mother in law for my first ever turkey, but I figure if she wanted it to be edible, she'd make it herself.

I went to London and saw lots of interesting art shows, we went to a music gig where we were invited to the after party, but sadly had to leave to catch our train before the thing kicked off properly, and have been to several comedy gigs around the area.

Dinners with friends, quick scoot to Iceland and general angst, sturm und drang, and otherwise bitchiness from me on some days and then on other days we're cool and groovy and the life of the party. Eh, what stress can do to you. That's my new excuse for everything and it's going down well so far.

Other Half is still being divine. After seven years as a couple and three years married (so 10 total :-) I find that very impressive and reassuring. He even tells me that all things considered, knowing what he knows now, he'd marry me again. All together now: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

What I did on my Holidays

2008-08-06T22:38:00.003Z

OK. So this is what we've been up to:

I had my first induction days at college, which were very scary but great fun.

I did some more work in Guildford for the same company I worked for in June as they are so nice and keep hiring me.

I gardened but not enough.

We went on a one day road trip down to Poole and Swanage, which was very nice. There we saw our dream house in a dream location - unfortunately it is slightly (not so as you'd notice) out of our price range as it's £3 950 000. That's four MILLION poundarooneys.

We went to London to see some exhibits for my first school assignment, which I'm currently writing.

I painted the kitchen (overtly olive by dulux) although I am yet to paint the coving and the ceiling white.

We had my baby sister come visit with a friend.
- we took teenagers shopping
- we took teenagers to London, on the Millennium Eye, walking round & shopping
- we took teenagers out for lunch & shopping
- we took teenagers to Thorpe Park (thank bod, no more shopping!)

We went to a friends wedding and had a nice little catch up with friends in the usual sort of weddingy way, meeting people you haven't met since the last wedding.

We hired a landscaper who start work in a week.

We hired an electrician who starts work Monday.

We hired a fencing company (not en garde, it's enclosed garden - spot the difference) which will need to start work in September.

And today we celebrated our third wedding anniversary.

All good stuff. The more time I spend with Other Half, the more I realise just how cool and amazing he actually is, which is nice.

I am a super painting monkey wizard

2008-06-16T22:08:00.001Z

Doesn't that house look nice and red?

Some activity

2008-05-18T23:52:00.002Z

Well. We went to London and saw Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, which was good. We've seen them before though, and I certainly preferred that set list to this one. But they were suitably loud and noisy and it was a night out and it was great.

I went for a meal out in Windsor, which appears to be a lovely town, pity about the company I kept that night. Meal was good though.

We went to an open night in my new school to be, which was excellent. Some really fantastic pieces and great thought put into the works and their presentation.

We got ambushed at the door by one of the tutors who sussed immediately that I'd signed up. They were all really nice and so enthusiastic - it gave me lots of energy and positivity and reduced some of my fears.

We've done loads of gardening and you can just about see the shape of how it will look. It's not done yet, but I'll get there, maybe even this week, if the weather is good.

And then I'm going to paint the house on the outside. Unemployment, temporary as it may be, may have its uses.

Circles of Isolation

2008-05-18T23:40:00.002Z

Life can be very odd sometimes.

As an expat, I need to try extra hard to keep in touch with family and friends left behind in the mother country.
My attempts at this have been to call people regularly, maintaining a lame blog, going over there 2-3 times a year, and inviting everyone and their brother to come visit. I try to remember birthdays and special occasions and I send cards and sometimes gifts, call people 'extra' or send them flowers.

On this side of the pond, I have tried to make friends and keep friends as hard as I can. Other half's friends have been co-opted and are now shared as 'our' friends, willy-nilly, no questions asked, no opt in/ out possible. They're stuck with me.

And yet somehow, the people I talk to the most and the people that show the most interest in my life, are my internet friends, people I have never met in the flesh.

Now I have a sneaking suspicion that I am somewhat damaged from my decade long run-in with various bullies, most of which I was aware of and have worked hard to overcome. But now I kind of feel like I can add a new symptom - anti socialness.

On a bad day, I don't like people. I am negative. I have no patience for stupidity. I easily cut people off from me. I have very high standards for people I will tolerate around me.

On a good day, I am charming. I am witty. I am fun. I have energy in public. I am the life and soul of the gathering. I am understanding and a good listener.

So slowly but surely, I am losing people. They don't write, they don't call, they don't visit. They spend 5 minutes on the phone with me, one eye and one ear glued to the TV. They were just about to pop out exactly when I called. And I don't know whether it's me or if it's them.

I feel like I'm bumping into the edge of my existence constantly - it has grown so small as to barely have room for me, let alone anyone else. And I don't really know how to change it.

Finally, the truth is out...

2008-04-23T22:46:00.002Z

You Are 90% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood.

Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

I'm obsessing...

2008-04-02T23:18:00.002Z

This time it's about the non-completed garden. We asked for garden centre gift vouchers for our wedding from people as we're kind of settled and didn't really need anything for the house or for ourselves.

We've yet to spend more than £20 of the whole thing and the garden is rather a mess.

I have the unfortunate habit of getting seduced by all the lovely colours at the garden centre when I go there and then realise afterwards that I haven't got a clue how to take care of half the stuff as I'm both too foreign and too lazy for proper English gardening.

But I am a project-ist and a finish-ist and I can't stand having an incomplete project anywhere and the garden has been in a 'state' for far too long.

In my defense, it never seemed to stop raining last summer and this one can only be an improvement, thus allowing for some actual work to be done there.

Plus we've just changed to BST so we now have more evening time to do stuff and I'm feeling all springy in my step and so on. Or I would, if I hadn't dislodged my kneecap by running up the stairs on Sunday. Less spring, more limp.

I got in

2008-02-27T13:17:00.002Z

Have been told verbally following on from my interview this morning that I got in - now awaiting formal letter to advise this.

Got called 'accomplished'- beat that!

Bubbly was nice.

Big Day Tomorrow

2008-02-26T22:40:00.003Z

Right, so my interview is tomorrow morning.

I'm oddly calm, but am in a quandary regarding what to wear. Normally it wouldn't be an issue as I'd wear either the black outfit, the black outfit or the black outfit. But I was hoping to show a bit more personality than that tomorrow. Craig doesn't think a dress is appropriate (I have some nice 'worky' dresses that look nice with boots) so I'm leaning towards jeans and something.

Anyway. It's unusual for me to worry about what to wear and not to worry about the interview itself, but I think it's either going to be fine with what I've done so far and my gift of the gab, or I have absolutely no idea what they are after and can in no way give that, in which case I shouldn't really be going there.

For once I think my hardened job interviewee technique is standing me in good stead - it seems to be be nicely counterbalancing my (previously?) normal test anxiety and panic attacks. So maybe I've grown as a person. That or this is really the right thing for me to be doing.

Have also started thinking it might not be the end of the world (if I get it) to stay in current role until school starts. Maybe a bit lazy, but it wouldn't be terrible, in a 'I know where I stand' kind of way.

Weight continues to disappear. Very slowly - at this rate I'll be at my optimum weight in about 3-4 years. But hey, it should be easy to keep it off that way then!

I'll post again tomorrow once I have had time to chill and calm down - I get a bit hyper doing stuff like this.

Today was a nice day

2008-02-16T18:21:00.004Z

We went out for a walk around the pond with Sam and he was being terribly amusing as usual.
Saw a 'new breed' of dog, a cute little black 'shorkie'.

We're trying to make the most of today and tomorrow as I'm off to London tomorrow afternoon for a thing and wont be back till late Wednesday.

I spent some of the week arranging my portfolio although I still need to pick up some supplies tomorrow. I did do a clever thing ages ago when I knew when my interview would be and arranged for the days preceding it off. So even if I don't do anything else arty this weekend, I'll still be OK as I'll have 5 days next weekend.

Well, I say OK, of course I mean brick-shitting, stomach-churning panicked. Anyhow, here's a couple of pics.

Interesting Development

2008-02-09T23:55:00.000Z

Right, so I've been planning my great escape for a while now, but taking my time, trying not to rush things.

Then finally snapped on Thursday last week and pinned boss down regarding some issues I've been having for the last 9 months with regards to HR and lack thereof. He wussed out as usual and finally admitted he couldn't re-evaluate my role nor give me a raise based on the increased amount of work and responsibility.

My reaction was actually kind of cool, in that for once I didn't stumble for words and haven't been kicking myself afterwards thinking 'I should have said this' or wishing I hadn't broken down into itty bitty little pieces.

So my reaction was to tell him calmly and forcefully that under the circumstances he could fully expect my resignation.

He of course has avoided me since and the one conversation we have had involved him sitting there trying not to look so scared (his lower lip gave it away with the quaking) and telling me (again) that there was nothing he could / would / should do about this and thereby proving, again, that I'm making the right decision by leaving.

So I"m leaving my job. He still thinks it's about the money - it isn't. It's about him lying to me for the last NINE months about this, which in a last drop / final straw kind of way has completely and utterly removed any trust and / or respect that I at one time had for him. I really did have huge, high hopes for him when he started.

So, for those of you who know me from work - surprise!

I'm finally a 'grown up'

2008-02-04T20:23:00.000Z

Now, I fully realise that this may not be a good thing, but I am now finally a grown up.

Never mind that I've bought a car (and sold and bought and so on)
Never mind that I've bought a house (see above)
Never mind that I've emigrated to a foreign country (you'd be surprised at the difference in my two countries)
Never mind that I've had sex (this shouldn't come as a shock - I am over 30, after all)
Never mind that I've got married (and proposed)
Never mind that I've held down several jobs (sometimes at the same time)

So what is it that I've done that has now officially given me the grown up stamp?

I bought a sewing machine.

Next, it'll be a golf set or an investment portfolio - stay tuned!!!

Check this out!

2008-01-24T20:39:00.000Z

One of my favourite newly discovered authors has just put out a new book - check it out!

Now I would happily sub-edit most things as I am as they say, anal. But helping her out wouldn't even be a chore - it would be a treat!

I especially liked the 'Little Goddess' series, and the next one looks great so far. Now just waiting for my copy (with my 'name' in it - yippy)

http://www.iuniverse.com/bookstore/book_detail.asp?isbn=0-595-48417-4

Now, I've also decided that whether I get in to my thing or not, some things are going to change.
More on that later

Work / Life balance

2008-01-23T17:54:00.000Z

Right, so I may be a little more off-line than usual for me these days - the company I work for has installed an internet blocker / spy to prevent blogging, facebooking, yahooing and so on while at work. Now I don't mean to give the impression that all I do at work is surf the 'net, but I used to spend about 30 mins a day (my lunch break, which is invariably spent at my desk) catching up with my life.

So now I"m not catching up with my life as much and this is not making me happy.

My interview is now confirmed for Feb 27th and I'm trying to take the day off and the Monday / Tuesday before as well so that I can be as well prepared as possible for it. Boss and I are 'negotiating' this at the moment. Of course I don't think he realises that he can negotiate the time off or he can negotiate my resignation. Although it's unlikely to come to that...

The preceding week at work wil be week from hell with tradeshows and travel, but I've survived it before and no doubt will again. Must start looking at visas for Saudi Arabia if I'm gonna get those in time though.

A few people have spotted this blog and asked what I"m off to study and the answer is that I'm not ready to tell people that yet. We'll wait and see if I get in first. Fortunately (for me - sod the rest of you nosers) they say they'll let me know within approx 2 weeks of the interview.

So the left over bubbly in the fridge may finally get used - you never know. Mybe I'll open it to celebrate losing 14lbs.

I think Sam may want his own blog. He keeps sitting on my lap when I'm online, nosing the keyboard and seeming very happy.

I was waiting for a call, but then I got a letter instead

2008-01-08T15:59:00.000Z

Well, as the title of the post says, I was waiting for a call, but got a letter regarding my application instead. So far, so good and the people I've spoken to have been really friendly and helpful.

If the entire staff is like this then the ball of anxiety in my stomach will surely go away.

I have some issues with formal education - my experiences weren't great on the whole. The schools I went to were uninterested in the fact that I was being bullied and excluded from things for the entire 10 years I was in (legally required) education. And in college I was too damaged to know how to integrate or make friends and ended up having a bit of a breakdown and going rather people-phobic. I'm still a little anti-social but I am secure in who I am and can cope with my own moodswings better, let alone anyone elses'.

I don't know why I was bullied in the first place, but I feel the fact that it continued for so long can in some ways be attributed to my own actions. I didn't have the rough edges smoothed off by socialising as a child / teenager, and continually behaved like victim, daring people to comment. In a way it is self-perpetuating, I think.

But the gist of this ramble is - the idea of going to school makes me anxious and I'm working on it.

Also, appear to be getting better at capitalising when I'm supposed to, so some success is clearly being had.

In other news, 2007 was an odd year. All year I felt like time was running away from me and that I wasn't doing anything social / constructive / interesting. Then in hindsight, every month I'd realise that actually I'd gone to a gig, out for dinner, met friends and spring cleaned the house. I'm clearly not the best judge of my own activity level. I guess if you're your own worst enemy, at least you know where you stand.

I did it!

2008-01-02T20:56:00.000Z

Well, having thought about it for aaaaaaagggggeeeeeeessssss - I hand delivered my application on Monday.
It's there, it's in. All the bits are filled in and I even had a brainwave in asking my friend Malka to write the reference for me.
I was so worried that I couldn't fill my application in properly, having learned just how much the English like their t's crossed and their i's dotted. In Iceland you can just sort of talk people round to your way - the form isn't the most important thing.
There are some benefits to being from a small country, but now I'm paranoid I've filled the form in properly every time I have to do something - so much so that I obsess about it a little.

Now it's just a question of waiting for the call to come and interview and then we'll see if it will be plan A or plan B.
Plan B isn't a bad one to be honest and I guess in some ways that makes me so ambivalent / not so COMMITTED to plan A.

In other news, we went to Iceland for the holidays and had the most dreadful trip. The flight out was delayed for 2 hrs and then they served apples in bags for the refreshment. Then when I legged it to the galley to wait out the 'fumes' until it was safe for me to return they kept telling me off for not having told them in advance that apples would be an issue for me. I was so angry about this - out of dozens, maybe hundreds of flights I've taken in my life, they've only served apple / fruit bags twice and that was the second time. They seemed to feel that I should just tell people willy-nilly about my allergies on the off chance that it might become an issue.

Then on Christmas Eve around nine, I started having this little tickle in my throat that then by the following day had turned into a full blown flu (and not the suspected / feared pneumonia) requiring antibiotics and drugs like you dream about. I'm still coughing and spluttering but the damned thing is finally on the run and although I won't be running anywhere for a week or so more (who cares, I've lost weight over Christmas anyway) so by the time it'll be a little bit more daylight here, Sam and I will be able to go back out for our runs.

Despite the dreadful time we had in Iceland it was great to get away from work and really getting into that headspace of 'I can leave this job and I can go to school' and it was kind of important for me to feel that. While it won't be easy to suddenly be on one income and to have our standard of living drop somewhat - but it's either going to happen now or it's not going to happen. And putting it in those terms is kind of black and white, do or die, kind of thing.

Oh, and take a look at some of Malka's pictures:

http://www.lomography.com/homesDeLuxe/profile.php?cid=831052

Happy New Year everyone!

Oh and my dad is coming to visit next weekend - yippee

Thinking my way through

2007-11-19T19:19:00.000Z

OK, so in the absence of OH being offered a $100K job at Apple at Cupertino (unlikely, but you never know) I've decided that I'd rather make my own 'plans' happen before I"m geriatric. Or at least get started.

So now I"m thinking my way through the consequences of applying for the program I want into and how that would work:

1)Apply
a) get in = yippee
b) not in = b^gger

2) Jack in job - Yippee

3) find part time work that is moderately interesting

4) work my buttocks off at the course

5) be brilliant

6) better future

All good things except 1b which may lead to despair and wailing.

How to solve that one - I am still thinking.

Deadline is 31 Dec. if I'm applying.

funny how life rolls on

2007-10-22T00:04:00.000Z

some fucker (hi Linda) posted on h2g2 that there were only x many shopping days left until christmas.
I have not the words, nearest i can come is 'well, hell'.

in other news, we've been to Dublin to see Ross Noble and I really really want to tell him about icelandic easter eggs. Apparently he likes 'kinder surprise' mostly for the surprise. he'd get a lot of surprise from Noi Sirius.

we've also been to Aldershot to see Punt & Dennis. Very nice venue and a nice surprise.

then last night we saw Mark Steele in Farnham and finally i understand the french revolution, pity i haven't studied history for years - i might have done better with my new found understanding.

the hordes will descend on Thurs / Friday. Not too horde-y. Just Þórdís and Björn Ingi. Apparently on a school break, lets go see big sis.

hoping to hear lots of good stuff about job offers and raises and so on this week. have been playing rather hard ball with boss. i appreciate his position, i really do, but i've been more than patient with this whole thing.

pooch is good. OH is good.

As you were.

Sam prior to a trim

2007-02-09T18:16:00.001Z

This is what Sam looks like on a normal day. The cutest by far, hands down.

He had a haircut today though and now looks all grown up.

Fann lykilorðið!

2007-02-08T23:38:00.000Z

Já, semsagt, glöggir lesendur hafa sjálfsagt tekið eftir því að það er orðið ansi langt síðan ég póstaði síðast. Það er svona með þessi blessuðu lykilorð sem maður þarf að hafa í kollinum fyrir alla skapaða hluti, þau gleymast stundum. Sérstaklega ef maður er líka að skipta um tölvur.

Fréttir síðan síðast - slatti.

Ég skrapp á klakann í maí.

Mamma og pabbi komu í heimsókn í júní til að forðast fimmtugtina hjá mömmu. Við krakkarnir tókum okkur til og buðum þeim til Parísar yfir helgina af því tilefni. Eurostar var stjarna, hótelið síður. En mikið var veðrið nú gott.

Kallinn varð þrítugur júlí - garðpartý með ágætis stemmingu. Mín sat við grillið í minni stemmingu en aðrir en léttist þegar líða tók á kvöldið. Skyggni ágætt, 25 stiga hiti.

Ég byrjaði aftur í skóla, smá námskeið sem mig langar til að klára fyrir sjálfa mig.

Við fengum okkur hund. Ég semsagt vann loksins umræðuna um gæludýramálið og Sam kom til okkar í júlí. Ég tók mér frí í vinnunni í viku til að vera með voffa og það gekk bara vel, en við gerðum svo sem ekkert úr fríinu þannig séð.

Katrín kom í heimsókn í ágúst yfir verslunarmannahelgina. Hún tók Dagný vinkonu sína með sér og þær skemmtu sér konunglega. Voru ferlega duglegar og skelltu sér bara einar til London og alles með nesti í pakka, skipulagðar.

Í september gerðist mest lítið í einkalífinu held ég. Vinnan í fyrirrúmi - ársuppgjör og tómt vesen. Gerum þetta ekki aftur.

Í október fórum við í viku frí til Cornwall, fengum okkur geggjaðan 'fish and chips' á veitingahúsi Rick Stein í Padstow. Lágum í leti, löbbuðum með hundinn og höfðum það bara gott.

í nóvember ákváðum við að taka baðið í gegn og fengum píparann í það, loft, veggir, pípulagnir, frárennsli, áhöld, blöndunartæki og flísar. Þvílíkur munur. Þá sagðist mamma ætla að koma í heimsókn og koma með nöfnu gömlu líka. Þá var ákveðið (OK, ég ákvað og Craig leyfði mér það) að kaupa líka teppi á stigaganginn. Þá fannst Craig ekki hægt annað en að mála ganginn fyrst maður var að þessu. Þannig að þegar mæðgurnar mættu á svæðið var búið að fínisera húsið frá A-Ö. Enda fannst þeim það fínt. Amma virtist hafa skemmt sér bara vel, en missti sig svoldið í kaupæði af því að það var allt svo ódýrt.

Ég verð reyndar að viðurkenna að ég hélt aldrei að þetta myndi gerast, þannig að þetta var mér mjög merkileg og mikils virði heimsókn.

Svo héldum við jól, eins og vaninn er. Jól úti, áramót á Íslandi í þetta skiptið. Það var fínt að öllu leyti, og nýji jeppinn hans pabba er bara mjúkur í stýri á gamlárskvöld.

Í janúar fórum við í nokkra stóra og langa labbitúra með hundinn ásamt öðru fólki og hundum. Sá stærsti var rúmar 2 klst, með 30 hunda og 60 manns í New Forest, hérna sunnan við.

Og þá erum við nánast komin að deginum í dag. Merkilegt. Mér finnst alltaf svo lítið gerast hjá okkur og finnst við stundum bara leiðinleg, en þegar maður setur þetta svona niður þá er nú bara hellingur að ske.

Gera þetta semsagt í framtíðinni, blogga bara einu sinni á ári. Nei, kannski ekki.

Marstíðindi

2006-03-29T00:17:00.000Z

Jæja, best að blogga aðeins. Þá hef ég kannski aðeins minna samviskubit yfir því að hringja aldrei í fólk og finnast ég því eiga enga vini. Þetta síðasta er náttúrulega tóm della, held að málið snúist um að mér finnist ég ekki vera góður vinur núna.

En semsagt.

Við fórum og heimsóttum frettur um daginn, og endurtókum leikinn á föstudaginn var svona til að sjá hvort Craig væri með ofnæmi fyrir þeim. Það var náttúrulega málið og til að gjörsamlega rústa plönunum mínum þá var ég bitin (létt nart svona, ekkert illa meint) og fékk svona líka fínindis viðbrögð við því. Þannig að bless bless frettur. Halló miniature schnauzer - semsagt plan B. Stefnum á hundaheimsókn 8 apríl og svo svona hundafund í maí. Sjáum til hvernig fer en Craig er allur miklu jákvæðari fyrir hundi en frettum, og þó fannst honum fretturnar skemmtilegar á föstudaginn.

Talandi um klikkandi plön, þá fengum við fólk til að gera tilboð í lóðina, nema þau gerðu ekkert tilboð í lóðina, þannig að við erum enn og aftur á byrjunarreit þar.

En sum plön ganga upp, við fengum mann í heimsókn til að sinna húsverkum ýmiss konar. Hann setti fyrir okkur upp lista í loftin til að fríkka aðeins upp á húsið, einangraði háaloftið almennilega, setti plötur þar á gólfið og setti svo upp almennilegan hlera og stiga til að fara þar upp. Þannig að húsið er svona nokkurn veginn á leið til betri heilsu og vellíðan en er svoldið rykugt á eftir. Fyrir utan það að öll málningarvinnan sem blasir núna við okkur er svoldið, þú veist svona, mikil. En það hefst allt í rólegheitum.

Við fórum til London um helgina. Löbbuðum okkur alveg upp að hnjám bæði laugardag og sunnudag, með smá stoppi á barnum á laugardagskvöldið til að halda upp á þrítugsafmæli Ade. Það var bara fjör, en við erum ennþá smá stirð. Sáum Tate Modern, St.Paul's Cathedral, The Golden Hinde, Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, The Clink Prison og fullt af litlum beygluðum götum, auk verslana. Forbidden Planet bókabúðin er hættulegur staður. Maður ætti eiginlega að fara þar inn undir umsjón annarra, ólæsra, og án nokkurra greiðslumiðla.

Svo í kvöld fórum við í boði eiginmannsins aftur inn til London en í þetta skiptið til að sjá Sigur Rós. Mergjaðir eins og vanalega og Amiina var betri en síðast, nálguðust bara að vera helv. góðar. Var smá fútt í þeim núna, meira en síðast.

Blóðþrýstingurinn sjálfsagt ennþá upp úr öllu. Er vanalega 126/84 eða svo, nema núna í síðustu tvö skipti hefur hann verið 130/110 um það bil. Augljósasta skýringin er stress í vinnunni, en það er voða lítið sem ég get svo sem gert í málinu í augnablikinu, bíð bara eftir að hlutirnir verði afgreiddir. Er svona að reyna að fara í klukkutíma labbitúr á dag til að ná áttum og hreinsa kollinn. Svo eru víst gæludýr róandi, rannsóknir sýna það.

Er að fara á námskeið í London á vegum vinnunnar á þriðjudaginn. Hvernig á að framkvæma þjónustukannanir og athuga viðhorf viðskiptavina.

Hlakka mikið til að fá útborgað á föstudaginn. Mars hefur verið voða langur. Man reyndar allt í einu núna að ég á eftir að leysa út ávísun frá vinnunni. En það er ekki nema þúsundkall. Þiðsundkallar eru alltaf skemmtilegri.

Kominn tími á bólið - klukkan er ekki nema 01.30 að staðartíma. Bretar eru semsagt komnir á sumartíma og eru klukkustund á undan Íslendingum.

Wednesday night movies

2006-02-09T00:11:00.000Z

Us fogies have a tendency to make use of this great offer at the mobile phone company I use - two for one to any film. So tonight we saw Walk the Line. Pretty good, but we do have a soft spot for Johnny Cash, for two reasons. One is Hurt by NIN as performed by Mr.Cash which gave it a completely different tone and fragility, with a video that would make anyone with a heart cry. The other reason is the old Depeche Mode belter, Personal Jesus, which was cool. The film was good too, well recommendable.

Six month anniversary is over. We never even noticed. Didn't do nuthin, only fair as six months isn't exactly a milestone. But still, one should own what one owns (works better in Icelandic as it quotes fairly cheesy breakfast cereal ad 'maður á að eiga það sem maður á').

Still mainly no hot water. Aiming to improve upon this, have finagled the spare part for free from the manufacturer as the damned thing is only a year old, still in warranty and clearly faulty. Just need to pin the plumber down for an exact timing.

The new bed arrived, from here on in referred to as the mountain. Pretty decent mountain, tall and wide yet very soft. Got a new duvet and all too, the other one looked a little lost in the middle of it. Taggart looks great there, too. (those of you who know Taggart, know, those of you who don't know don't need to know. However, I am not referring to Scottish TV cops)

We're still looking into ferrets. We found this great woman in Reading who invited us over. Fabulous little creatures, playful and silly, much like perpetual kittens. Craig was remarkably receptive to the idea, but we do need to wait until they moult and then go visit again to see if Craig's allergic to them. My allergies are doing fine. No apples, pears, hazel nuts, peanuts, dust mites or silver birch near me, pretty pretty please. Of course, this also by extension means no apple pies, pear tarts, fruit & nut chocolate, yellow m&ms, snickers, canned pears and so on. This is on top of the old list which I believe contained fats, alcohol, caffeine and cocoa, as well as a selection of chemicals that don't like my little bod. Craig, the sweetie, suggested we sell the house. We live right next to a nature reserve with a whole shedload of trees, including silver birch, which isn't always the best of ideas. I politely declined, don't want to start giving into this damned thing as then I may as well order the plastic bubble and start decorating it. Where's the fun in that.

For the first time since we moved here I begged dad for a relief parcel, icelandic yes please. Asked for some supplies. Although to be fair, I still have some licorice since they were here last time and really don't fancy any more. Good licorice, absolutely, but 4kgs was a bit much.

January Blues

2006-01-29T17:55:00.002Z

For those of you that know me, it will come as no surprise that Craig is a very patient man. He has to put up with all kinds of mad ideas and idiosyncrasies that would baffle any lesser beings. For instance, at the moment I'm desperate for a couple of ferrets. I've got him to agree to go and see people with ferrets so we can learn more about the critters and of course I firmly believe that as soon as he sees them playing he'll fall head over heels in love with them. He on the other hand firmly believes that I won't be nearly as taken with them in person as I think I will and that I'll simply chnge my mind. We're yet to see which one of us is correct. I had found a woman in the area who was willing to have us visit and show us her ferrets. This was supposed to happen on Friday, but I haven't heard from her in almost two weeks and something tells me she's having IT problems. I'm very disappointed, I'd been looking forward to this for the whole of January and then it falls through at the last minute. But Craig's promise stands so I'll just keep trying to find someone near to here who wants to brag about their critters. I'm getting a little extreme here, but on the other hand in his despair he's practically promised me a puppy instead. So however it turns out, the results are pretty darned good...

I've been very blue this week. I could see the ferret visit thing coming on Friday and we still have practically no hot water and our new bed which was due this week still hasn't showed. So I've been terribly sad and lonely somehow. Miserable wretch, really. Miss friends and family as usual in January, can handle the away-ness better in other months. Maybe because in January I've just got back and don't foresee any jaunts for now.

Anywho, amazing how the lack of hot water gets my goat. It's clearly a civil rights violation, not being able to have a hot shower when you wake up / want to. Wonder if we can contact the UN and get check out the position, get Angelina Jolie involved.

I may have overdone the retail therapy slightly. Invested in some sandals for the summer and stuff. Bought this really cool black and 'summery' skirt which has so much fabric half of it would easily suffice. But my bat impression is really coming on, leaps and boudns wearing that thing - it totally sorts out the wings.

Craig does what he can to cheers me up when needed. Cooks every night I can't be bothered, laughs at my bat impressionism and other peccadilloes, redraws our bedroom in the proper proportions in AutoCad just so we can rearrange the master bedroom. He understand the value of reorganising furniture and how it restores the soul. He even puts up with going to IKEA (which is a little more hassle and grief here in the UK than in Iceland) and bought me a pad of mm paper and some pencils when we moved in just so that I could organise everything just the way I wanted it. In fact, after we rearranged the kitchen he even looked for the tinned goods in the schematic I did and stuck to the fridge! Although, to be fair by now (a year later!) he really should know where the tins are. But really, is it any wonder I married him? That sweetie x

Valentine's Day is coming up. Dunno what to do over here. Do something though, that's key.

My Birthday thingamajig

2006-01-10T13:37:00.000Z

Your Birthdate: June 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.

Your strength: Your original approach to thinking

Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others

Your power color: Pale blue

Your power symbol: Wavy line

Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

300 000 today - 300 000 í dag!

2006-01-09T18:27:00.001Z

Being broke at the start of the year, as you are, I aimed to be productive and sent off the paperwork to Iceland for a name change. Wasn't really expecting much, but got a lightning fast response saying that as my lawful abode and residence is stated as the UK, then my jurisdictional status is within the UK. So my name's still same old same old.

While I was at it I also consulted with the Student Funding System in Iceland to see if they'd lend me some money, and guess what, they really don't have a problem with it. We'll see how that goes..

I've also discovered a new pet hate question. It used to be 'aren't you gonna have some young'uns soon?' which I've started answering rather snappishly 'how do you know we haven't been trying and simply can't?' as I find the question incredibly rude, personal and nosy. Mum, don't worry though, I don't know one way or the other as to how our reproductional status is. Anyhow.

The new pet hate question is this. Upon learning that I reside permanently abroad, all Icelandic people ask me if it is because I'm studying! Cause clearly you can't be happy living elsewhere if you're not forced to by outside circumstance. Unsaid, but implied is that if I am studying then I'd bloody well better get back to Ancient Iceland as soon as I finish, thank you so much. Unbelievable snobbery for degrees in the country, could drive me barmy.

In other news, we're practically out of water. Our hot water boiler is acting up after a weekend of hardly any pressure on the cold water coming into the house.

And today is a proud day for Icelanders. As of 07:20 this morning, we number 300 000 for the first time in history.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-02T01:46:00.001Z

Happy new year all !
Last night was a resounding success, if I do say so myself.

As Craig and I have been incredibly bored on the NYEs we've been here in the UK, we decided to do something about it rather than complain. So our bi-annual NYE bash was born, with the now traditional mexican fajita vegetarian dish thingy. We had a good turnout and people generally seemed to have a mellow and nice time. Pics to follow...

First post

2005-12-30T11:43:00.001Z

I had the thought that I am extremely bad at maintaining contact with people, but love knowing what folks around me are up to, for instance through blogs and websites etc. As I have still not got round to purchasing a domain and setting up a website, then maybe the solution is to start slowly, but surely win the hearts and minds of the readers and then review..

For enquiring minds, the lyric 'Það besta sem, Guð hefur skapað' is by Sigur Ros. Translates roughly as 'the best thing, God has created' and refers to a new day, a new dawn.